MMORPG > PC > Ultima Online > The Adventures of TJ Miner

Posted: June 11th, 2006
Last Updated: June 15th, 2006

The story(s) below happened on the free shards, Crystal Gates and Neverlands. Saucy Pants, the writer of these stories has not played UO in a very long time, so most of the information is either embelished or misinformed, but that's why it's so funny. 534N has also made a response page to TJ Miner's stories.

Written by Saucy Pants

TJ Miner Commits 2nd Degree Murder

So it was TJ Miner's second day of kicking ass in the UO realm of Crystal gate. After a good afternoon of slaughtering some defenseless passive deer I decided to crash at Drath Dragonbane's tower. After waiting around the cold stone monolith for a few minutes I saw Drath followed by a large ettin. My neophyte swordsman skills were no match for this ettin so I bolted to the second floor of the tower. Somewhere along the way the programmers forgot to include some collision detection because the ettin walked right inside the tower. Now trapped upstairs We decided to relax and see if the ettin would be nice enough to leave.

Time passed and still the ettin decided Drath's tower was now his tower. Drath had started to claim that the ettin was in fact his pet and that he planned this all along. Drath mentioned that his friend 534N was coming to keep us company. I immediately started thinking of ways that we could use 534N as bait to get the ettin out. Sure enough a robed adventurer showed up being chased by spiders and having no way to defend himself entered the tower and let the spiders in with him. We were double f***ed and 534N didn't even die. Now with the 3 of us cramped on the second floor and no interesting conversation going on I looked for ways to amuse myself. While I started doing laps on the second floor 534N took a seat in a throne declaring UO to be the greatest game ever made.

I quickly got bored of laps and stopped right in front of 534N's throne, trapping him accidentally. He began to cry and whine about how he could not get up and move. TJ Miner being one to never give up an opportunity drew his rusty short sword of ego maiming and attacked 534N. Now for once the programmers inadequate beta testing worked FOR me instead of against me because 534N was unable to attack since he could not stand up. I murdered him on the spot, increased my swordsmanship skill to “apprentice” and never played on Crystal gate again. I also Shared 534N's opinion as it being the greatest game ever made even if he no longer thought so.

View 534N's response.